Full Circle                                                     

Ever since we arrived in France to live, now although hard to believe, over three years ago we have been aware of strange nocturnal “goings on,” and although maybe the French are right up there with the Italians in the amorous stakes, that’s not what I’m talking about!

The first occurrence happened shortly after we moved into are first house, converted farm worker’s cottages just over the entrance drive to the chateau, which we always joked was in our back garden as we could see it from the rear windows!), from where the home farm had been.  This farm had some years previously fallen into disrepair and been demolished and a small lake dug on its site.  It was in the murky waters of this spring-fed lake that the first “goings on” occurred!  Despite being only late spring,  the evenings and nights were warm for the time of year and so our shuttered window remained open all night, and incidentally as the weather that year was generally exceptional stayed thus until into October, which meant that we could hear the night sounds all around.  The nightingale might have sung in Berkeley Square, but it also sang outside our window sometimes dueting with a beautiful barn owl that was for a time a regular visitor to the roof of the wonderful curved Victorian cast iron greenhouse, sadly then somewhat neglected, but sitting at the back of the house, like an upturned boat.  But, there were times when the gentle avian singing of these two glorious birds was totally upstaged by the frenzied quacking of a number of seemingly rampant ducks, well it was spring, the sap was rising and “frogs” are well ...... amorous. You only have to walk down the street of any self respecting small town and there sitting provocatively beside the boulangerie, boucherie, office postale and the coiffure will be what could at first glance be a “naughty knickers” shop along the line of Ann Summers, and you all thought that there was going to be a “lady of the night” sitting outside these shops, I’m beginning to read you all like a book!!  It’s only on closer inspection, so I’m told, being far to prudish to look closely at the rather skimpy, lacy and racy coloured pieces of satin or silk, that would barely cover the top of a jam jar, to keep the flies off (we’re currently plagued by the b-----s!, hence the analogy!), to notice the rather plain functional garments, Bridget Jones style for her and Y-fronts for him, tucked away in the bottom corner to add a little sobriety to the otherwise rather erotic, at times tucked into the bottom, display!  But, as I said you’ll have to take other peoples’ word for it as I couldn’t possibly vouch for all that detail!!

Now, where was I before I got carried away (another quick aside here as “her indoors” thinks I might be at any moment, by men in white coats!!), ah yes the nocturnal quacking of the ducks!  And here in lay a mystery as said featured creatures of the canard variety, so obvious and up front during the hours of darkness, were nowhere to be seen during the day!  We’re not here talking about a couple of breeding pairs who each morning at sunrise decided to do a bit of sightseeing around the very many neighbouring lakes and ponds, no from those frenzied squawks of seemingly unbridled passion, there must have been hundred of them.  First, I thought that perhaps they were a French nocturnal breed, then that perhaps they had read the guidance for the local chasse (hunt) that only allows for shooting during the hours of daylight, but then remembered that it hadn’t been the hunting season for some time and surely by now some of the wariness would have worn off and the more cocky birds started to come out to play during the day!

Then, to add to the mystery the frenzied quacking started to happen during the day, all around the lake, but without the ducks!!  So I started to think that these here French ducks are rather canny and have perfected, in the face of adversary, the art of being the antipathy of Victorian children – heard but not seen!!!  Well, I suppose I didn’t really, it just makes for a good line!  It was however then, on closer inspection that quite literally the bubble burst and we discovered that the loud quacking was indeed frogs croaking, obviously with a French accent!!  I should at this point pick up on those of you who were worried about my use of the word “frogs” above, and were deriding me for daring to sit deep in the French countryside and refer to my friendly neighbours in such derogatory terms, it was simply there to hint at what might have been to come, and just maybe some of you might have got there before we did!!

Other strange, but eventually explained, “goings on” over the intervening years I will briefly fill you in on, before our latest, most up to date, conundrum is unfurled!  First, there were the ruthless whines, late at night in the middle of a nearby wood, droning on well into the wee small hours and sufficient, had the moment now not passed for our amorous amphibious neighbours, to have drown them out!!  We were later to discover it was a night meet of the nearby scrambling club on their “barely floodlit” track!  Another night, strange thunderous thumpings were accompanied by bright lights scoring the sky like wartime searchlights and went on deep into the night.  Again centred it seemed in the middle of nowhere, which we then placed as Le Village, a large nightclub, quite simply in the middle of nowhere, which therefore has to bus its clientele in from all over Le Vendée and beyond.  Normally, we hear nothing although the sweeping lights are often evident, but it was an exceptionally warm night so just perhaps the well sound-proofed doors had been opened to preserve the clientele!!

On another occasion towards the end of the summer, a night time walk would be accompanied by loud buzzing and if you looked towards the still light night sky, it would seem that the SAS were mounting a full scale attack of our little bit of the Vendée, and occasionally it seemed like you had been shot as you were hit hard by a flying something, so hard in fact as to cause a friend’s daughter to               fall off her bike, more I feel through shock that physical force!  But, on closer examination it turned out to be the flight of the giant staghorn beetles, huge fearsome looking creatures with terrifying, but harmless to humans, pincer like claws extending at times by up to half the creatures body length.

Then, despite mentioning above that the strange nocturnal goings on would be explained, the next mystery, incidentally diurnal as well as nocturnal cannot really be explained.  Just occasionally in our lonely spot we would clearly hear voices over the wall, indeed once our delightful landlord, the owner of the chateau heard them when sitting outside with us having a cup of tea.  He was incensed that there were people in the chateau grounds without permission and stormed off to confront them, only to find as we had previously, not a sole in sight!  Puzzled he returned to finish his tea and we told him this was not the first time that this had happened much to his astonishment!  We then reminded him of a conversation we had had when we first met him and he told us that he spent most of his time in Spain.  We had asked if anyone lived in the chateau or nearby stable block, wondering if perhaps there was a resident housekeeper or caretaker, to which the response was no, if you hear anyone it will be the ghosts of my ancestors – so well ...... I suppose that one is also explained!

The final conundrum has happened more recently, since we have moved on and into our nearby new abode.  For a number of nights we had been hearing a strange bird call from the conifer tree in our neighbour’s garden just opposite our bedroom window.  We had put it down originally to a strange owl variety, but admittedly unlike any we had heard previously, but there remained a nagging feeling that it was something else!  After several weeks of this strange call, which I decided was like an old windup toy that had been left in the toy box and suddenly for no apparent reason sprang harshly and loudly into life!  Then, remembering the frogs, those with the edible legs before you ask, I started to think that perhaps the call wasn’t a bird at all, but rather an amorous toad (hence the loudness and harshness!) in a damp spot under the aforementioned nearby evergreen.  But, I’ve got to say I wasn’t convinced!

Several days later, I was sorting through a pile of cuttings that needed filing and came across an article about a nightjar and thought wouldn’t it be funny if they described the bird’s call as like an old windup toy ........ Sadly, it didn’t calling it instead a “drawn out churring” sound that can be heard up to half a mile away!  Interesting it said the evening’s musical entertainment might start with the male “coo-ick”ing a sound not dissimilar to a frog!, before finding a perch for an indeterminate bout of “churring,” audibly clapping its wings above its body as it goes.  It seemed the problem had been solved as all the components were there!  However, to be sure the internet came to my rescue in the form of the RSPB website, with a convenient “press here to listen to a nightjar” button.  Suddenly the room was filled with the very same sound that had been coming in through our bedroom window during the preceding weeks.  The conundrum was indeed solved and just to confirm it a few evening later sitting outside in the twilight we caught “a glimpse of the enigmatic nightjar” with its distinctive flight pattern – “hovering, fluttering and swift sorties” as described in the article.

And, really finally should you need the information for that vital quiz question at the next quiz night down at the local – it’s also known as a whip-poor-will, nighthawk and goat sucker as erroneous it was thought to use its wide mouth to suck milk from goats.  Actually, the mouth is used like a sweep net for catching the insects on which it feeds, flying slowly with its mouth gaping wide open.  And for the bonus point, it’s called an engoulevent in French, which rather fetchingly translates as “ghoul in the wind!” and that must be worth $64,000!!  So things that go bump in the night are not always what they seem!!